It happens to everyone. You start the night with the best of intentions and you end up with nothing. A bad night. Like with certain good nights, some bad nights stand out. Either they’re so bad they’re funny, so bad they’re offensive, or so bad they’re both. I’ll let you take a guess as to which one last night was.
I bought two small bottles of top shelf vodka and decided to pay MDog and Street a visit. I figured I owed them for the champagne.
I arrived at their place to find MDog and Street missing, but instead one of their roommates, Gaijin, was there. I immediately bring out the bottles and said, “Let’s drink!” Too bad for MDog and Street. I started attacking the Grey Goose and Gaijin started downing the Ciroc. Then we switched.
About fifteen minutes into it, Gaijin got a call from one of his cute Asian friends. Apparently, there was a party going on soon, but the girl didn’t know where it was or what they would be doing there. She said she’d call Gaijin when she had more information. Even though my party sense was tingling, I ask Gaijin if I could come to his party. He said, “Sure.” Even though I had a strong feeling that this party would suck, it was better than just two guys drinking in an apartment and watching basketball.
Fifteen minutes later, my feelings were proved correct. Gaijin had just gotten off the phone with that girl. The following exchange happened:
Me: So what’s the status on the party?
Gaijin: It’s in [some ghetto-ass part of Austin] so we will have to drive.
Me (thinking): Strike one.
Gaijin: And since I want to get drunk, I can’t drive back.
Me (thinking): This means either have to call a cab or stay in someone’s apartment. Strike two.
Me: What do they plan on doing at the party?
Gaijin: Playing Monopoly with vodka, and it probably won’t be as good as the stuff we are drinking now.
[I start laughing in disbelief. That’s not strike three, that’s strike 974!]
Monopoly and vodka? That’s the dumbest idea for a drinking game that I’ve ever heard. Not even alcoholics would have fun playing that. For those of you who don’t know, Monopoly is a board game about purchasing property that usually takes several hours to play while sober. Now imagine how long it will take when you have a bunch of people drunkenly arguing over who really owns Boardwalk (the prime real estate in the game).
Me: Oh hell no! That party is going to suck. Monopoly and vodka? Really?
Gaijin: I agree, and there are only two people there. We need to find something else to do.
Gaijin’s apartment complex has a hot tub. Being drunk, bored, and constantly looking for an excuse to look at women wearing revealing outfits, I suggested we go to the hot tub. “Even if it is just us out there, we will make a party,” I say. Little did I know, we wouldn’t make a party, the party would make us.
Since glass isn’t allowed by the pool, Gaijin poured the remainder of the Ciroc (I had drank all the Grey Goose and much of the Ciroc). With over 300mL of vodka inside me, I realized I’m way too drunk to run decent game, or even socialize at all. Gaijin was more sober than I am, but that wasn’t saying much at this point. I considered for a second that the appropriate action would be for us cut our losses and call it a night, but we were two 21 year-old guys with no attachments. I just graduated and had only two months left on my lease and Gaijin was a senior whose social network was completely outside the apartment complex. What do you think we ended up doing?
We found the hot tub occupied by women when we got there. At this point, all of them looked hot. My drunken mind handled being presented with multiple targets the only way it knew how: it hit on all of them at the same time. After learning the logistics of the situation (a boyfriend here, a lesbian there, a girl who wasn’t as pretty up close), I found out there was only one viable woman, Girl1.
I got right to work hitting on Girl1. And she got right to work rejecting me. I kept trying, she kept rejecting me. All the while, more people entered the hot tub. Eventually, we all took notice of a lingerie party on the balcony of an apartment above us. Everyone, guys and girls, started giving them cat calls. The partiers took notice and started posing for us. We cheered.
Seeing their positive responses, I decided to push the limit. I started shouting, “Show your tits!” over and over again. The rest of the hot tub joined in. Much to our dismay, they did not flash us. I was elected to go up there and try to get them to come to the hot tub. I knocked on their door. Since they did not answer, I went back and informed the hot tub that the people at the party were assholes not worth our time. (File this under obvious foreshadowing.)
I went back to hitting on Girl1 and Gaijin handed me a cup full of vodka. I chugged it.
Me: That tasted sweet.
Gaijin: It’s mixed with cranberry juice.
Me: Where did you get that?
[Gaijin explains, but I’m too drunk to follow]
Me: Just find some more.
[Gaijin vanishes.]
Eventually, the people from the lingerie party came down to the hot tube, but at this time I didn’t recognize that they were the same people (I learned this from one of the girls later). All I knew was that a bunch of hot girls had just arrived. The following drama played out over the course of the night: I would hit on new girls, get bored or rejected, go back to Girl1 and get rejected, repeat. One interaction sticks out in my mind:
I walked up to a familiar group of four girls.
Me: What were you names again? [awesome opener, I know.]
GirlA: We’re not telling you again.
Me: Fine, I’ll give you new names. [I can’t remember them, but they all ended in “angel”]
They found me amusing, until I dropped this line.
Me: We should go back to my place for a heavenly fivesome.
They didn’t think it was funny. I guess orgy jokes aren’t for everyone. The guy in the group takes exception. This set is pretty much done, so figure I might as well go out with style.
Me [to the guy]: It’s okay, you can jerk off while you watch us.
I eject before the look of shock wears off their faces.
I saw Gaijin and this other guy near a bottle of Taaka. After some conversation, they took turns pouring the contents of the bottle down my throat. Once I’d had my fill, I started talking to this other dude. Remember when I said those people from the lingerie party were assholes? Well this is where that becomes important.
Some guy, Douche, walked up to me. The Taaka had hit me by this point so I was unable to understand most of what Douche is saying, but I got the follow things out of his speech and the way he presented himself:
- He doesn’t like me.
- He is afraid of me.
- He knows some guy who can beat me up. [Implying that he can’t do it himself]
- He wants me to leave.
I was confused. Douche couldn’t kick me out because he had no jurisdiction (the hot tub/pool was owned by no one) and I didn’t remember saying anything to bad to him, or even talking to him. I took a quick look around. There were guys around, but I didn’t know who they were with. Rather than question his ability to kick me out, I asked why he wanted me to leave.
Douche tried to answer, but the guy I was talking to started leading me away. The guy told me not to worry about. I told him I want an answer and to go find out for me. He left to join Douche saying he’d find out for me.
I went back to hitting on Girl1 and actually start to make a little progress. She accepted my minor advances, but rejected my majors ones. Like this:
Me: Would you like to kiss me?
Girl1: You’re drunk!
Me: You’re just now realizing that? [I start touching her face, she doesn’t seem to mind.]
Girl1: I’m sober.
Me: What does this have to do with you kissing me?
Girl1: That’s not happening.
I still wanted an answer to my question and the other guy hadn’t shown up so I went to find Douche.
Me: Why did you want me to leave?
Douche: You drank my vodka.
Me: That’s it?
Douche: Yeah that was my vodka and you didn’t even ask me.
Me: Then why were you letting other people feed it to me?
Douche: [Something, but I am no longer listening.]
Me: Whatever, you can be mad about shitty vodka if you want to. I have flirting to do. [I walk off to hit on Girl1 some more.]
Eventually I started getting sleepy and decided to call it a night. I got Girl1’s Facebook info and got out the tub. As I was leaving Douche cames up to me and tried to give me a beer. Why he had suddenly started being nice to me, I had no idea. I hate beer and I told him such. He kept insisting that I take it. Girl1 jumped up and asked for it. Douche ignored her and kept trying to give me a beer. I told Douche to give it to Girl1 because I didn’t want it. Douche complied and I left.
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