How to Get Two Women to Make-Out and Not Look like a Chauvinistic Asshole

Date Occurred: June 5

This story is actually not a success story. I didn’t get my nuts grabbed, I didn’t play with any boobies, I didn’t even get a kiss on the lips. From this failure, however, I gained a nice little skill.

The night started as it usually does: with alcohol. There was a party going on in thirty minutes and I wanted to be prepared. I took shots of vodka and gin and filled my flask with a mixture of the two (the party was BYOB).

Most of the people at the party were in the artsy and/or emo crowd, which I think is a cute look if done right. Much to my dismay, most of the women either hadn’t done it right or were smokers. Oh well, that’s what the flask was for.

Here is the only interaction worth noting:

Me: [blah blah blah I was drunk and don’t remember what I said]
HBsmoker: [something else]
Me: What’s your number?
HBsmoker: [gives me her number]
Me: [I call it]
HBsmoker: I don’t have my phone on me.
Me: Uh-huh I know that excuse.
HBsmoker: No, I’m serious.
Me: I’m going to have to check. [I pat her down and give her ass a nice good squeeze] Okay, you’ve convinced me.

I sent her a text much later in the night and it was her real number. I also got a kiss on the cheek from her. I tried to go for the lips. It didn’t work.

Getting to the good part…

I started hitting on these two girls, and they tried to be creative in how they told me they weren’t interested. Unfortunately for them, they weren’t the only ones there who were creative.

Girl1: Girl2 and I are lesbians.
Girl2: We are.
Me: Interesting. [Turns to Girl2]. Didn’t you just tell a story about sleeping with another guy?
Girl2 [with an obvious “I got busted” expression on her face]: We’re bisexuals, but we have a love for each other. We may fool around with guys, but it will never mean as much as the bond we have.
Me: Uh-huh, right. I hang out with a lot of lesbians, and you two don’t give off the lesbian vibe.
Girl1: We’re lipstick lesbians. [Note: These are the feminine lesbians]. Not all lesbians look like men.
Me: You don’t understand. It’s not about looks, it’s about the feeling you give off. And neither of you give me that feeling.
Girl2 [In a “trying to qualify herself” tone of voice]: We really are lesbians. [Girl2 grabs Girl1 and starts making out with her.]
Me: Straight girls do that all the time.
[Girl2 and Girl1 start getting into it. I start rubbing Girl2’s leg. She doesn’t seem to mind. This goes on for awhile.]
Gayfriend: Why are you making them kiss? [Note: He had been sitting there with them the entire time]
Me: I didn’t make them do anything. I’m just an observer.
Gayfriend: Okay.
[After awhile, I’d had my fun. So I let them be. (I think I might have tried to kiss Girl2 and failed in between the make-out sessions between Girl1 and Girl2)]

So even though I didn’t get any action (well, maybe a little), I got something almost as good: a show. And I managed to it without anyone thinking I was an asshole. All it took was the ability to call a bluff.

Looking back, I could have played my cards better. Girl2 was letting me touch her leg, meaning she wasn’t completely uninterested in me. I need to think on my feet more.