Nine Circles of Drunkeness

Based on the nine circle of Hell as portrayed in Dante’s Inferno, I decided to do a spoof called the Nine Circles of Drunk to describe the stages I, and many others, go through when drinking.

First Circle – Buzzed:

I’m starting to feel the alcohol, but it’s not nearly enough to do anything significant. I’m still the same person I am when I’m sober, just a little light-headed. If I’m at this level, I’m either about to start drinking more or only had a drink because it was bought for me. For me, “buzzed” is not a fun place to be. On and empty stomach, one drink (anything containing as a shot’s worth of 40% alcohol) is enough to get me here.

Second Circle – Loose:

Just as the name suggests, I start to loosen up. If I am tense for any reason, I will loosen up when I get to this stage. My muscles ease and my body language becomes more relaxed. Even though there is no dancing going on, dancing starts to sound like a good idea. It takes two to three drinks to get me here. Driving is still possible at this stage, but I would prefer not to.

Third Circle – Tipsy:

My vision start being affected and my fingers, toes, and face become a little numb. I become more talkative and start thinking I’m the most interesting person in the room. I’m not yet at my full potential, but I become much funnier at this level. By this time I am usually singing to the music or dancing if I’m feeling frisky. It is also at this level that I acquire the infamous “drunken greed.” Drunken greed is the desire for more alcohol that comes with getting drunk. Unless I have some compelling reason not to, I will start drinking more.

Fourth Circle – Bliss:

This is the perfect level for me. I have just enough alcohol in me to be absolutely fearless, but am still sober enough to be smart about it. The lack of inhibitions causes me to stop second guessing myself and my humor and wit flow naturally. It is at this level that I have the highest chance either closing a girl having it mean something or getting further with a girl than I have ever gotten before. I was at this level when I got that girl to play with my balls in the “Testicle Report.” Unfortunately, this level is very hard to reach and I have not been able to determine the exact number of drinks it takes me to get here. Due to drunken greed I gain during the tipsy stage, I will continue to drink even if I’ve reached this level. By this time, crossing into the fifth circle is inevitable.

Fifth Circle – Drunk:

My fingers, toes, and face are numb, and it takes my brain a bit to process any information that comes from them. I will approach and talk to just about anyone, but will get bored with many of them and walk off. I become very touchy-feely at this stage. I am still funny, but I start to slip up. I was this level when I was making out with HBgrab in the “Female Body Inspection” story. I had slipped up a few times during the interaction (she didn’t get some of my jokes), but I was obviously able to recover. My timing also starts to fail and I go for closes long before it is appropriate. My vision is blurred around the edges and all the girls in the room start looking hotter. It is at this point, that I stop caring about whether or not a girl smokes.

Sixth Circle – Wasted:

This when things start to get bad. Not only will I go for smokers, but even fat girls start to become targets. Fact and fiction become arbitrary terms with no meaning. I will say anything to keep the conversation going the way I want it to, even if it isn’t true. By this time, I will get a few girls opening me because I acquired quite a bit of social proof during the fourth and fifth circles. I will start out doing good, but the chance of me making an irreparable error is extremely high. I will either weird her out, piss her off, or make a poor first impression. I was at this level when I played with that girl’s nipples in the “Female Body Inspection” story. That story ended early because I forgot her name. Now you know why.

Seventh Circle – Smashed:

There’s a huge gap between this level and the previous one. I have to either be drinking excessively on an empty stomach or drinking powerful stuff to reach this level. A this level, I will say whatever is on my mind, and mean whatever is on my mind. I weird out some people and piss off others, as I have no regard for what I say. I don’t care, either. The universe revolves around me, and it’s not my fault if people can’t handle my brilliance. I will flirt with any girl because I think all of them are hot. It is at this level that most people will stop trying to talk to me. I am no longer amusing, but annoying. I have destroyed a few weak friendships at this level and ruined the potential of many more. It is also at this level that it becomes hard for me to understand what people are saying.

Eighth Circle – Fucked-in-a-half:

This is the level where I can black out for entire segments of time. I was at that level when I crashed a guys apartment party the Saturday after Halloween. The hottest girl at the party (a sexy redhead) was loving me until I said something to piss her off. The next thing I remembered was waking up in my room the next morning wearing the same clothes I had on last night and had a monster headache. I have no control over anything at this point, as the only part of my body that works is my penis. Even then I doubt I could get it up with this much alcohol in me. I have only been twice: the time I just told you about, and the second part of my 21st b-day party where I had 7 shots of absinthe and 7 other drinks.

Ninth Circle – Oblivion:

At this level I remember almost nothing. The only memories I will have the next morning are two or three images or segments of memory that are only a few seconds long. I have only been this drunk twice. The first was during the first part of my 21st b-day. I had managed to get down 21 shots and was messed up beyond belief. I remember very little of what actually happened that night, but according to those there with me I did the following:

· Made without with a 30 year-old woman in front of both her girlfriend and boyfriend because she told me she was only 23.
· Tried to go to the bathroom, but kept trying to go through the wall instead of using the door. XIII had to grab me and guide me to the door. How I pissed without incident remains a mystery to this day.
· Gave a random girl my driver’s license because she told me to and I thought she was the bouncer. Then I accidentally hit her friend in the face trying to get it back once I realized what was going on. The real bouncer just laughed.

Supposedly, I did some other things, but my friend won’t tell me because they want to preserve my sense of self-respect.