It all started out with a harmless conversation on Facebook. My buddy Sandman was wondering what I’d be doing that night.
Sandman: So will I see you at [some random ugly chick’s party] tonight?
Solar: I don’t know. There’s a 45% chance I will show up at that party. A 35% chance I will show up at [the name of a shitty frat] party. And a 20% chance I will go downtown.
And so it began...
I had the night all planned out. I was going to show up to BOTH parties. Start out at the frat party so I could get in before they stopped letting in guys and then crash the ugly chick’s birthday party. Most importantly, I was going to be sober during both events.
However, I was also supposed to have a girl over for drinks. She didn’t show up so what did I do? I drank by myself. I had been trying to invent a drink I could use as my selling point (“Let’s go over to my house, I have this AWESOME drink I can make for you!”). I called it a Solar Flare. I initially tried orange juice and vodka. Not so good. Then I tired orange juice and rum. Much better. I’m, already feeling the alcohol, but I have shot of vodka mixed with rum to celebrate my new invention.
It’s not alcoholism if you hang out with other people, so I went to find a party. I put the location of three parties in my phone: The shitty frat party, the ugly chick’s bday party, and another party at a frat I had never been to and didn’t tell anyone I was going to. Can you guess which one I actually went to? This wouldn't be a story otherwise...
At first I was only going to show up “for a little bit.” I arrived early and became buddy-buddy with the door guards. Not only did they let me in, but they gave me a wristband, signifying that I was “one of the guys.” Tonight was going to be a good night.
At this point, I was at a pretty good level. I was drunk enough to take risks, but sober enough to be smart about it. I remember looking around the party and remembering it being a sausagefest. I didn’t care. I was going to have fun, chick or no chicks. I went around the room introducing myself to random people. They liked me and I liked them, which is saying a lot for a frat. Tonight was going to be a GREAT night.
And then it all goes to hell. Despite all its good traits, this frat had the one thing that could ruin my night: an open bar.
One glass of punch later…
I didn’t know who half these people were, but they are dancing so I was going to dance too. I was making friends with everyone—and forgetting who they were five minutes later. I remember being sandwiched between two girls on multiple occasions. One of the frat guys I had made friends with came up to me commenting on how it was not fair that I had two girls. Being the generous motherfucker that I was, I gave him the ugly one. This led to a long dance session with the cute one.
She eventually lost interest in me so I moved on to bigger and better things (read: another visit to the open bar).
Two glasses of punch later…
I was double-fisting, as I had not yet finished my first glass of punch. This won me points with another “hot” girl. We started dancing. I finished one of my glasses of punch. I dispose of the cup and use my free hand to instigate kino. She was loving it, I was loving it. Best of all, my dick still worked under the influence of all the alcohol. I took this a as good sign and dropped the apocalypse opener.
It failed, but we did kiss a bit (only on the cheek, this would be a recurring theme with all the girls that night). By this time, I had finished both glasses of punch and I was upset at the girl for not wanting to fuck me after just meeting me (I know what a prude, right? ). So I ditched her and went find other girls.
I entered a 3set of girls. One tried to talk politics with me. She almost had me, ALMOST. Instead, I negged her for trying to talk politics at a party. Her friends agreed with me. So I told her I’d meet her for coffee later. Number close. One of her friend commented on how smooth I was. I responded by telling her I couldn’t even see her. I don’t think I have to describe how well the set went after that. Time to visit the open bar again.
There was a line for drinks, but I didn’t care. As far I was concerned, I was God so I could do whatever I want. I did not hesitate in telling people this, they thought I was funny. God suddenly had followers. At this point, I was so drunk I couldn’t see. Looks didn’t matter at this point because I didn’t know what I was talking to. I was relying on pure instinct at this point. My senses compensated for the loss of vision; my drunk sense went through the roof.
I saw something with boobs. I hadn’t had a make-out session since December so I was jonesing like a motherfucker. I determined I was going to put my tongue in this girl’s mouth. I did not mince words.
Solar: Are you spontaneous?
Girl: Yes.
Solar: Are you a good kisser?
Girl: Maybe. Let’s find out.
I love it when girls are willing to meet me halfway. The best part: I didn’t even know her name. I’d finally accomplished one of my goals: make out with a girl without knowing her name.
I had made friends with the bartenders by this point so they gave me the “untested” punch. Originally, they had three colors: orange, blue, and red. I got green.
Three glasses of punch later…
I am talking to this smoking hot girl. I’m hitting all the right switches in all the right ways. Someone bumped me and I spilt my drink on her. She refused to continue talking to me. Fuck her, I was going back to the dance floor.
More dancing. I saw people who were not supposed be there (i.e. people I knew and actually liked). That didn’t stop me welcoming them to the party and stealing their girls. Some loyal friend I am.
Four glasses of punch later…
The world is a series of images. People were speaking to me, but I couldn’t understand them. Who are these people? Where am I? Why am I here? Who cares? I saw something that looked like it had boobs, I was going to try to kiss it. I think I succeeded.
I figured that was a good way to end the night.
Funny things that happened that didn’t fit in anywhere:
- I saw with a girl glasses. I told her how hot women are in glasses. What came out this? I don’t know ask someone who was sober.
- I remember needing to pee so I demanded someone take me to a bathroom where there wasn’t a line. In less than thirty seconds, I was in the VIP bathroom upstairs. Being popular is awesome.
- I bumped into girls who said they were lesbians. I replied with “That’s okay, I’m also into girls.” I think I kissed one of them, and then I figured out they really were lesbians. The girlfriend was very understanding (read: she didn’t hit me for kissing her girl).
- Some girl tried to rat me out and it backfired on her ass; the bouncer took my side. I laughed at her. She may have tits, but I am the fucking sun.
